Respect

Ok before you all get snippy about regional differences, I realize that endearments like "Sweetie" or "Dear" are often used as a throw-away salutation. The cashier at the grocery store may toss it my way to connect in a mildly affectionate way. 

I'm not talking about that here. I'm talking about disrespect.

When I was a kid, one of my mother's friends called me "Dearie." I hated it. It felt demeaning. And dishonest; I wasn't dear to her, I was just her friend's kid. One of my Dad's friends called me "Girlie." Oh I hated that even more. He viewed me not as a person but as an object. I got the same kind of thing when I was unwell. Most of the staff were the best, but then there were the ones who raised their voices, spoke in simple words, and called me "Sweetheart" or "Dear." I was already unwell, and that made me feel worse. 

Ok so it may be a pet peeve of mine.

But that kind of language elevates one person and diminishes the other. As a kid I felt it acutely. As an adult I cut them more slack, but it all still made me feel somehow lower.

In this article "Nuns model skillful ways to speak to ill seniors" the caregivers avoid Elderspeak - a loud, slow, simple, patronizing and common form of baby talk for seniors. "They value a person in a sort of inherent way," so they don't talk down to them. Humour, patience, and kindness are better ways to communicate as equals. And the patients respond accordingly.

Respect and dignity need a level playing field. 

Blame

I did a quick reading for myself when someone I love blamed me for not doing what she thought I should.

ISSUE
Chaotic energy: a conflict or turf war, a family battle. It's is a her problem and not a me problem. She may want me to wade in, but I can choose not to.

BLOCK
I can not influence what she thinks or believes or feels. That belongs to her. I can have compassion, but I can not change her mind. That hurts.

ACTION
I will never have her approval. Let the truth of that sink in. It is time to accept the loss, release myself from the entanglement and spend my emotional energy on something more satisfying.

Simplicity

For many of us, our lives become more complicated as the years go on. We take up new responsibilities without discarding the old ones. We fill our homes with stuff we may have needed at one time, but don't any longer. In our efforts to make these complications more manageable, we build complicated routines around them to keep track. We complicate the complications.

Lately I've been simplifying a bit:

Possessions: How much energy is it taking me to store this? to dust this? to keep batteries in it? I'm never going to need the camping gear again, even if it survived decades in the basement. So, off it goes. The kids are all grown and gone. I loved the toys but I don't need them any more.

Ambitions: They all take vast amounts of energy. I'd rather spend my energy elsewhere. Perhaps one day this may change, but not today.

Time: If my appointment calendar is filling, I space things so I don't have to be "on" every day. I don't multitask any more. I say "no" with kindness and no thought that it needs to be anything else. I turn off phone notifications.

Accomplishment: My pastry may not be as good as Mom's but they all still eat my butter tarts.

Distractions: When some young thing asks me what my plans are for the weekend, I give her a satisfied smile and tell her "a warm bed, maybe a movie, and maybe chocolate. Or maybe I'll try out a new recipe."

Words: I don't need people to know what I think about something. If they want to know they can ask. Gossip is poison. Silence is golden.

Once I start to simplify, I feel better. Over time, the feeling of freedom it brings strengthens. It becomes more pleasant than the comfort of all the stuff I've been hanging onto. It's a bit like watching the water swirl down the drain after doing the dishes. Relief. Release. More room in my life for the 100 little joys of each day.

Lately I've been simplifying a bit. I wonder if it's an age thing?

Letting the Angels Lead the Way

I was out of town for a while when Tom was ill. It was an awful time, yet despite it all, things worked strangely well. When I forgot to stop and get Tom something from the drug store it turned out he didn't need it after all. One day when I felt overwhelmed, my daily reading promised something would fall into place. Against all logic, it did. After a sudden impulse to leave the hospital early, I found out that a water pipe had burst and I got back to my sister's place just in time.

It felt as though the Angels were conspiring to make things easier for me.

When I let them.

Common sense told me to rush for that train. But missing it put me exactly in the right place and time to make a connection I would otherwise have missed.

There's a sense of flow, and grace, and smoothness when I let the Angels lead the way. When I resist, the energy feels spiky and prickly and stressful.

The day after I rushed to squeeze onto that train, the trains had a huge delay. I found the humour in that as I waited on the platform. "That's karma," I thought, smiling, "for forcing things yesterday."

It was a tough time, but it gave me a lot that I needed. It showed me how little stuff I need around me to manage. I ran my business easily on my sisters kitchen table with just my computer, a tarot deck, pen and paper, and my her printer. I took exactly one change of clothes with me. With a couple of minor purchases, it was more than enough.

The change in location gave me even more. I was born in the city and wondered if I'd still feel comfortable living there. Yes, I felt right at home. Being with my sister was wonderful. We haven't spent that much time together since we were kids. There was a lot a laughter. She and my brother in law helped me think things through when it was hard to see my way ahead. They reminded me that the sky won't fall if I reach out and ask for help. She cooked for me.

I had to rethink my priorities. While there, it was rest, my work, and Tom. Everything else was optional. With fresh priorities came new boundaries. It felt weird at first to turn off notifications on the phone, but it was a relief. Many of my old habits will no doubt creep back now that we are home, but it gave me a needed reset.

It was crazy, but when I let the Angels lead the way, things worked strangely well.

Creativity

When I was a child, I thought creativity was about being an artist, or musician, or writer. I didn't show any talent in art class, so I thought creative people were someone other than me.

I was wrong.

Creativity is not just about producing artistic works, it is about making something new and unique. That's us. Each of us. We bring magic and newness to the world by our very existence. By seeing our lives as a creative adventure that we willingly undertake, we are that upswelling of newness, uniqueness and enthusiasm that is life itself.

Creativity doesn't compare ourselves with others or worry about what will people think. It's inventive, imaginative, original. It's not what we draw or compose or write, it's what we are made of. We don't have to be Picasso. We can be ourselves.

Purple Button

Here I am walking the forest trail. Instead of enjoying the amazing energy of the woods, I'm letting thoughts of a local politician dominate again, when the point was to let them go. I don't want him in my home, why would I let him in my head? I'd rather spend my energy on more pleasant things. Like the forest trail.

I stopped where I was in the trees, and asked, "Why am I still giving this guy so much of my energy? What button does he push in me?" I was thinking maybe boundaries, or bullying, or misogyny. I paused and enjoyed the forest, waiting to see if anything came to mind. It was a beautiful morning. The sun was just coming up. The geese were moving from their ponds to nearby grain fields.

An inner imp said, "The purple one." It struck me so funny.

Hidden Rules

Bridge, the card game, has hidden rules. When my roommate and I went off to play bridge with her partner and his friend, my game partner got annoyed with me for not knowing the unspoken rules. I didn't know there were any. Apparently, you don't just follow the rules of the game, you play a certain way to let your partner know what's happening in your hand.

It's not just bridge. Hidden rules are everywhere.

I have always been terrible at cryptic crosswords. Then I came across a social media account where someone has been explaining the unspoken tips and tricks. No wonder I couldn't do them. It's like you have to belong to a special club or use a secret handshake.

The thing about hidden rules is that they are hidden. You can't know there are any until you find about about them. (Then, they are not hidden any more.)

When my sister went to university, she got her second major after she was given some tips about course selection and grades. This affected her whole career. These tips were not in the rule book. She had no idea they were allowed.

Hidden rules are everywhere.

Kids with ASD who stick to the written rules for guidance can really miss the unspoken rules of conversation and socializing. Elevator etiquette, social distancing, and conversation flow can be daunting when you don't know the rules.

In the workplace, hidden rules tell you how much time you need to spend in the office, what you wear and how you conduct yourself - stuff that's not in the office manual.

Some hidden rules are hidden out of innocence, like language barriers and cognitive barriers. Some are hidden by assumption. In grandma's old cookbook she couldn't imagine a reality where someone didn't know how to make shortcrust pastry or de-bone a fish. Some are hidden deliberately by those who want to elevate themselves by lowering someone else.

I felt foolish and confused at the bridge game. Until I got angry. How could I possibly have known?

Hidden rules are everywhere. Ok then. But it's not ok to expect everyone to know them. They are hidden after all.

Intention

If I imagine energy as a whole as an undifferentiated mass of possibilities, intention is like picking a few of these possibilities and encouraging them to form a particular pattern. It's something I want and plan to do.

For example, if I have had a tendency to snap back at people when my feelings are hurt, I may deliberately want to find a way to hold my tongue or count to ten instead. By making that decision, and by having a desire to carry it through, I am more likely to see it happen.

Things that can help us when we float an intention:

- Belief that it can happen. For example, I may intend to be enlightened fully in this lifetime, but if I don't believe it is possible, the energy gets dissipated.

- Actually wanting it to happen. Being clear about it. When I'm ambiguous, I could be floating two opposing desires at the same time. I may not want to snap at someone, yet part of me may want to be heard.

- Staying flexible to any outcome. Life is mysterious. It's best not to have any expectations.

- Taking it lightly. This doesn't have to be serious business. It's more about becoming aware of the pictures and messages and possibilities that I put out to the world.

Intention is like setting the stage. It doesn't make any promises, but without it, I am less likely to see the results I'd like.

Redefining Ourselves

At a retirement seminar, the people attending were asked to list ten things they enjoyed about their jobs. Many grumbled that they hated their jobs and there was "No Way" they could find ten. But once they got going, they discovered that there were lots of pleasant aspects. Working outdoors, or meeting new people, or solving problems, or bringing order to chaos.

Then they were asked to list the top three things of those ten. Those were the things that mattered to them as people, not workers at a job. This broadened their view of who they were. "I'm a truck driver" became "I love driving heavy machines, being my own boss, and being outdoors." "I'm a sales rep" became "I love being with people and finding exactly the right thing for them." "I'm an engineer" became "I love designing things and making them work right."

Then they were asked how they might bring these aspects of themselves into their retirement.

This was brilliant. It gave the participants a way to see what they loved and valued and redefine themselves accordingly.

Being Empathic

It's funny how old stuff surfaces again and we have to deal with it in a newer, or bigger, or different way.

Many of you know I'm empathic/empathetic. To many that means I'm too sensitive. To me, it's a gift. I can pick up nuance that others may not notice. It helps me move with the flow of life.

The downside is that when someone in the room is angry, my energy-field/nervous-system picks it up and may resonate with it. If I'm not aware that this energy is someone else's I may start to feel irritated myself. Then two of us are mad.

It's come up lately - time for a closer look. So I dug into my notes and found I had a pretty decent outline of what I wanted to explore. Here it is:

Being Empathic

The traits of being empathic/empathetic:

Sensitivity to external stimuli.

This means you can feel what others feel as though it's happening to you.

You pick up people's moods, and even the mood of the room or building or space.

Even TV shows can feel personal.

You can have strong gut feelings, intuitive, telepathic or psychic powers.

These are often carried on emotional energy.

This is not the same as Sensory Processing Disorder,

and not the same as Hypersensitivity, 

which can look a lot the same if you don't have strong emotional coping strategies.

You may perceive many subtle things that others miss or ignore.

This is one reason why some environments can feel overwhelming.

You were likely born with a genetic tendency to this,

and developed more in childhood due to family dynamics.

How it feels from inside:

Without good coping strategies:

Overwhelming: with too many feelings demanding your attention it feels like 17 people are standing right next to you and yelling and you have to hear what the guy across the room is saying. 

Stressful.

It can even feel painful, like nerves are jangling.

How it appears to others:

It depends on your coping strategies

Introverted.

Creative.

Love of nature: forests, animals, birds, the sea, the rock under us, even the wind.

Interest in spirituality.

Need for a lot of down-time.

This can lead to:

Anxiety and all the other problems that can go along with anxiety, like overeating or self medicating.

A lower tolerance for dishonesty, unfairness, violence or bullying.

Avoidance of public spaces, violent entertainment.

Diseases related to long-term stress (autoimmune, cardio-pulmonary, allergies, asthma etc.).

Exhaustion.

Hindrances to managing it well:

Poor boundaries.

Pride, a need to be in control of life, or perfectionism, or a lot of mental activity.

Poor self-esteem - need for outer approval, an inner feeling that you're not good enough.

Taking ownership/responsibility of what you feel/perceive rather than treating it as information.

Taking an interest in what you notice to the point where it remains with you.

Coping strategies:

Emergency fixes:

Exercises like "snip" and cleansing exercises  https://www.janetdane.com/4howto.htm

Walk out, run away.

When sitting in public, keep your back to the wall to limit the direction of sensory input. 

Wear sunglasses and/or headphones.

Stop often to get back into your body. Dig your bare feet into the sand or grass.

Do things you find absorbing: running, music, yoga, drawing, solving puzzles - things that require attention and focus.

Give yourself enough time to decompress after an outing.

Long term solutions:

Meditate regularly. 

Define boundaries and take action when they are breached.

Learn to love and accept your humanity, weaknesses and strengths.

Take joy in the 100 small pleasures of the day, every day.

Develop a spiritual life of some kind that makes you feel loved and connected.

Practice seeing your perceptions as information only, 

without feeling a need to respond, fix or do anything about it. It's just data.

Practice relaxing about feeling stressed or uncomfortable. 

Being under stress is enough, don't add to it by worrying about it. It'll pass all by itself.

Be around people who are kind.

Get enough sleep.

How it feels from inside:

With good coping strategies,

it can feel like a joyful, inclusive sense of belonging to something greater.

How it appears to others:

When you have good coping strategies,

you look happy, curious about life, generous of yourself and at ease.

Once you have good coping strategies and practices, you can enjoy the advantages:

You are able to see possibilities and/or patterns that others miss.

You can read a room and see what/who helps the energy flow and what/who hinders it.

You enjoy beauty, subtlety, delicate scents, tastes.

You feel connected to the world.

Expanding Our Horizons

Our lives get smaller when we get older in ways we can not prevent. Yet we don't have to make it a way of life. There are dozens of other ways we can expand our horizons.

Here are a few ideas:

Try a different food. Maybe something like a fruit you've heard of but never tried. Or maybe lima beans. I hated them as a kid, but maybe I'd like them now. Well, maybe.

Learn a phrase from another language. Like how to say "Hello," in Finnish, or "Have a good day," in Japanese. Try them out on friends and family.

Take a different route to work. Okay, my work is in another room of the house, there's only so many different ways to get there. But I could take a different route when I drive to Alliston for groceries.

Listen to a different radio station or put on a different type of music for a bit. Wonder why people like it and if you ever could, too.

For more fun with food, try having breakfast foods at suppertime and suppertime foods for breakfast. I don't usually associate salad with breakfast, but it could be interesting. Weird, but interesting.

Get a map of another city or look at one online. See what the names of the streets are near the centre of the city. One great way to see what a neighbourhood is like is to shop there. So look up the nearby shops and see how people in that neighborhood live.

Try a new sport or hobby. Chess or ski-jumping, knitting or star-gazing, it doesn't matter what it is as long as it's new.

Say "Hello" to your next door neighbor. He's lived there for 2 years now. It's time.

Go to a different church. Whether you are a regular or not, it can be enlightening to see how other denominations and even other faiths handle their services.

We don't have to like what we find when we explore, but we need to be curious to keep life opening up for us. It's never too late to expand our horizons. Even, maybe, for lima beans.

Better Than Counting Sheep

While laying in bed thinking, I semi-consciously rolled over to escape a story that was turning to politics. Thirty seconds later my semi-conscious self rolled again, this time to escape a worry about a loved one.

It's like I'm lying there, minding my own business, and these streams of mental energy float through, like ribbons floating by on the breeze. Enticing me to engage.

It can be addictive to have a thought fragment about "That politician," coalesce into "He's not trustworthy," which in turn becomes an emotionally juicy "I don't like this; it didn't used to be this way." Now I'm invested in the narrative. 

But my semi-sleeping self knew better, which is why I rolled over.

This time, rather than letting the thinking mind kick in, I imagined the streams of mental energy like paper ribbons floating through my mind - ribbons that I could snip, snip, snip with scissors and watch the paper pieces fall like big confetti.

Getting out the mental scissors isn't just a game. It reinforces my desire to disengage from the mental energy, and breaks up the coherence of these thought streams/ribbons before they take hold. 

There are other ways to deal with busy mental energy when I'd rather sleep. Counting sheep, making meal plans, or inviting a song to become an earworm can distract a mind that's leaning into areas I don't want to go. A little gratitude exercise done in good faith can sweep away the negativity and bring in a spark of light. But these alternatives just change the mental energy, they don't do much to quiet it down.

I was in bed to rest though, so I chose the snip snip method to quiet the mental energy. It's a decision. No matter how attractive the thought fragments, they don't become a story that keeps me awake until I make them one. 

Handling Cognitive Fatigue

Not all cognitive impairment is a sign that this is the end. Stress, infections, a changing political climate, concussions, and other disease can temporarily affect our ability to think straight.

Here's a list I passed on to friends of things I have found helpful:

Become aware when your cognitive energy is low.
See it in percentages, not just good or bad. That helps see how it naturally shifts and changes.

Pace yourself.
If you're exhausted after a mandatory appointment, schedule breaks in between them. Never two a day. Try one every 2 days or 3 days. Don't push through tasks. If it's a long task, break it into smaller chunks to have time to restore in between. Something simple like making dinner requires cognitive effort in the planning, preparation and cleanup as well as the actual cooking. Say no to social events that ask too much.

Don't volunteer for more work.
You can help later on when you feel better.

Don't ask your brain to do something it's struggling with.
If you can't read a book, try reading while listening to the audiobook. Or wait until the brain is fresher.

Make lists and use them.

Regulate the nervous system.
This is done through the physical: walking at a steady pace, repetitive movements of any kind using both sides of the body - left, right.

Do something with your hands.
Try something that doesn't require much thought or mental effort: carpentry, drawing, handicrafts like weaving, cooking. This isn't about achieving a completed project, it's about using the body in a quiet, undemanding, constructive way. The process counts, not the end result.

One thing at a time.

Ingest wholesome content.
Stay away from watching the news or anything that can give rise to irritation or anger. Playing games like solitaire can focus and rest the mind, but watch that this doesn't move into numbing the mind; choose something that freshens it if possible. Try podcasts that make you laugh, dog videos, or listening to music.

Check in on your body.
There may be an unacknowledged ache in the hip that is adding to the fatigue. Treat it if possible. Just noticing it can lower the stress even if it can't be treated - the body's warnings, once acknowledged will stop. If sights and sounds are overwhelming, dim the lights, or turn down the volume.

Touch someone or a cat.
Tactile physical loving touch is healing.

Be willing to settle for tier 2 solutions.
They may not be ideal, but they are good enough.

Practice good habits.
Try a special time each day to reflect on what you appreciate - gratitude for small pleasures (like a hot drink on a cold day). Or try prayer or meditation - a daily practice that builds gradually over time.

Get good sleep, good food and fresh air regularly.
If you love the trees, acknowledge them as you walk by, find a way to drink in their energy.

Be patient with yourself.
It's not your fault. Focus less on what you can't do and more on what you can. When you can't manage something, remember that some days will be better than others and some will be worse. It's a natural cycle, not your fault.

Keep your sense of humour.
Life at times can be absurd.

Give it time.